Special Guest Expert - Stephanie McPhail

Special Guest Expert - Stephanie McPhail.mp4: Video automatically transcribed by Sonix

Special Guest Expert - Stephanie McPhail.mp4: this eJwljltLw0AQhf9K2AefYkKujYEiPoiCVZRSoU9h2EySbffm7qSxlv53E_o45_B9Zy6MG02oqaGzRVazJxYyoT2B5tiIltXpqqjSLCtCxkdPRo0e3a0okzIv0pAB52acDUuYVQ9FsgpZJ1C2jQa1ODshcdYeJ3C9Z_WFjU7O8UBkfR3H0zRFvTG9RLDCR9youHXihPEpjRfUx8kGDjtdVfxY7F-Bl_qD518_f28blX2X0_mwfwRJa4WtgDtvRsdx3ZpJSwPtbp4KGQmSyydbi1yADF5G9BQ8_1p0FNwHW0I7gBYYvPPPAYSMlM1nrDNOAc3ccl6v_-kEZWA:1nK7fe:BrvBVvjCvD3GNIoT5NGcIt_Qs3w video file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Speaker1:
Here's the big question how is it that most entrepreneurs hustle and are always busy and struggle to take just one step forward, only to fall two steps back? Their dedicated, determined and driven, but only a few finally break through and win. This show uncovers those quantum leap patterns of highly successful people, so you can simply model what they do and apply to your future success. That's the question, and the answers are right here. My name is Phyllis, and this is the success patterns show. Welcome everyone to the success pattern show. My name is Brigitta. Hopefully I am honored and excited to be here with you again. Thank you for tuning in. Brigitta, hopefully, is the name and what you sign up for is what you get. A lot of energy, a lot of information, a lot of fun. So if you want to take some notes, it's always good to have something to write with and something to write on. I am the CEO of the center of NLP and I am very honored to also be the mother of two incredible daughters and the wife of the culture guy. Today I have these things, the distinct pleasure to welcome someone that is that I have crossed paths several times before.

Speaker1:
Several years ago, and we're going to learn more. We're going to learn a little bit more about how you thrive after unhealthy relationships and what that looks like, what that can look like when we do the work. So today we have Stephanie McPhail, who is an author of two books. She's a fellow educator, one of the books that she wrote and the work and the workbook that she has for that book is being love shouldn't hurt. It's a number one release. She's a certified coach. She has a double master's degree in health and education. She's a bachelor's in psychology certified crisis counselor, a certified coach and author or Reiki practitioner. And she specializes not just helps but specializes in helping brilliant women to date up giving them tools to thrive after codependency and narcissistic abuse. So if they decide to date again, if they decide to date again, choose healthy partners and partnerships that inspire them and not drain them. Stephanie, thank you for being here. Welcome to the show.

Speaker2:
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here, and Birgitta is awesome. We've known each other for I think it's about seven or eight years now, so this is really great to be on this end and sharing what I learned from you and my experience with all of your viewers.

Speaker1:
Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, when when we when we met several years ago and it's been a while, our I think we're dating both of ourselves. Your show, your business wasn't where it is today. And I don't even think I think we talked about this earlier didn't have kids. You weren't necessarily married at the time. So a lot of things have changed. And boy, have they ever changed. And there are so many things that we can talk about, but I'm really curious what got you into the work that you're doing today? What have what has driven you to create the tribe and the community that you've built over the last, what, two, two and a half years?

Speaker2:
Well, I officially opened up in 2014, but that was when I met you and I was still trying to figure out exactly who I was trying to help. And I guess I knew, but I wasn't couldn't really put my finger on it just yet. Helping women transform their lives and thrive after unhealthy relationships was one of those callings that you don't want to be called to. I knew I wanted to help people, and I knew I wanted to inspire others. And so I had taught for 17 years, and I inspired and helped many, many kids throughout their time with me as their health teacher. But I felt that there was something more, and I was really good at having really unhealthy relationships, and so I went from one unhealthy relationship into another one. My first husband being both physically, psychologically, sexually abusive. And it it really brought down my morale. I started to think that really just I mean, I had never had a healthy relationship. So I started to just feel like, hey, maybe healthy relationships just aren't for someone like me. Maybe I'm toxic.

Speaker2:
Maybe there's something wrong with me. And I dealt with it. I tried to stick around. I tried to make it work. And what I found doing, the work that I did is that it seems to be really way more common than I once thought that successful women get stuck in these cycles of toxic relationships and because we're so used to making things work and figure things out. We try everything we can to make the toxic relationship work when it's not meant to. The best thing to do is not to try to force it. It's to actually let it go and find someone who's a better fit for us. So I am very passionate about what I do. I now got to I was lucky enough to meet and marry the man of my dreams, and we now run our business together, helping others thrive after toxic relationships. And so it really was. It was a calling that just it was my heart was being pulled. I had to and now I get this when I get to do every single day,

Speaker1:
So much goodness in that. So thank you. Thank you for doing the work. What made you say OK, enough? When when was enough enough?

Speaker2:
Well, I don't know. I was feeling. I kept feeling like there's got to be more for my life than just this. There has to be more than just coming home and worrying who I was going to come home to that day. Some days he'd be in a good mood and things would be nice. And then other times there'd be a big fight. I never knew who I was coming into. And so, you know, actually, he had quit his job and I was the breadwinner, taking care of the household, worrying about everything, even working a second job to make sure that I was keeping a roof over our head. And one day, when I was working a second job, he told me that he quit. He was like bartending, waitressing on the side every once in a while. And he said, Hey, I quit that job. I don't want to work there anymore. And I said, but they we have some bills coming up and you promised that you'd pay some money towards those bills. And he said, I won't repeat what he said because, you know, it's not really appropriate. But he said, just like typical blink Stephanie, not to support her husband. And it was that text message while I was working a second job that I said, You know what? I'm not doing this anymore. I've gone above and beyond to help him in everything that he did, even though he was being abusive. I was still trying to help. And I said, Forget it. I called up one of my friends, Can I go, stay with you? I left my home that I owned and left him to go. And I said, if he burns the house down at this point, I don't even care. I can't be in this situation with him anymore.

Speaker1:
So when did you know that you were able to cut those ties that you were able to to that you knew that you have what it takes?

Speaker2:
You know, it's I don't think I did really honestly. I had this vision that maybe things could get better, but it was a glimmer of hope. It was that little tiny mustard seed of maybe something can change, but I can't imagine living like this for 50 years of my life. And I kept thinking to myself, Is this all there is? You know, the excitement and joy that I had in my life when I was younger was taken away and replaced with anxiety and stress and health issues and all of these other things where I kept thinking either he's going to kill me, which was a distinct possibility, or I'm going to get really sick. So kind of the same boat or, you know, I'm going to live a long life and it's going to be horrific. And I felt like I was missing out on something. And so when I when I decided to get a divorce, I got a divorce kind of thinking I might be single for the rest of my life. And I had to grieve that. I had to be OK and ready to just be like, This might be it. I just might not be able to have a healthy relationship.

Speaker1:
Do you and with working with women exactly in that kind of, you know, scenario? I'm pretty sure that you've seen it all and I'm pretty sure that there are more women out there than I could imagine that I want to imagine. Yes. So you know what? How do they find you? What do they what do they do to to say, OK, I need to find I need to find a community that helps me to cut those ties. That helps me to get into a place where I can think straight again, where I can not believe that I'm being, that I'm gaslighting myself. How do people find you? How do these women find you?

Speaker2:
I think what happens a lot of times is so I have a really large community on Facebook. Being loved shouldn't hurt has close to sixteen thousand people in the private community who do trainings and there all the time I have my two books that are available. I do know TV interviews, I do summits, podcasts, all that kind of stuff. So people find me and a lot of different ways. But what I think, what happens a lot of times and this was me also as professional women, we're really used to becoming really educated about things. So we do research. We find out everything we need to know about narcissism and codependency. And we we jump in and try to figure out what is wrong with these people that have treated us this badly and we try to really diagnose what's going on. So of course, right now, the really popular term is narcissists. Everybody seems to be a narcissist. But one of the things that I turn around a little bit on that is it really honestly doesn't matter what's wrong with the other person. So all that research and all that information is great because it starts pointing you in the right direction. And what that direction is is the common denominator in all of those unhealthy relationships was us. And once we get and this is not blaming, I'm not blaming anybody that was in a toxic relationship because we are not victim blaming at all. But we do have the responsibility to take care of ourselves. And so the women that learn all this information realize, Hey, I, I keep making the same mistakes that I don't know what to do. That's when they decide, Hey, I'm going to take action and get support and figure out what I'm doing to continue to attract these same types of people so that I can stop wasting my time trying to figure it out on my own.

Speaker1:
Hmm. Yeah, I'm getting some of these comments in and know people are saying so wonderful that Stephanie is using her experience to help others. I agree, Stephanie. And being a fellow educator and been going in that direction as you are going for what now? Seven years, eight, eight years, eight years? How for yourself now that you have found the love of your life, you have two beautiful children, you have the loving husband, which I know as well. How do you create that balance in life? Because there's a lot to juggle there.

Speaker2:
There is. But just like I teach my clients too, is that there is every part of we need to be worried about every part or concerned about every part. So what I mean by that is physical health, social health, mental health, spiritual health. We need to have that all in balance. And so I always practice what I preach. So, so last year, my husband David got really sick and he was in and out of the hospital and was getting surgeries and things were going on. And so I was juggling him being sick, the business, the kids being home, and I was juggling all of it. And most of the time I was actually doing pretty well and my clients and friends were saying, Well, I don't understand how you're doing it. And I said, Well, because I practice what I preach, the things that I teach my clients, I follow those same exact things. And so for me, the balance is, what am I doing for my own self care? I get really, really when things are tough, I get really, really strict with my schedule. So like getting up every morning, making sure that I do my exercise for at least an hour every single day, drinking my green smoothies throughout the day to make sure I'm getting my vitamins and nutrients throughout the day, getting my water in and taking time to meditate, getting time to be with friends and go out in nature. All of those things are priorities, and it's like they always talk about on the airplane. You know that mask putting it on yourself first. People feel it's selfish to take care of yourself, but I can't be the best coach, the best mom, you know, the best teacher. If I'm giving to Clemente, I have to make sure I'm filling up my own cup first and then give from the overflowing cup. If not, I would be exhausted all the time.

Speaker1:
Yeah, yeah. As a fellow chainsaw juggler, I would say I can. I can attest to that. What would you say is maybe it's one thing. Maybe it's it's a combination of a few things. Are some of your non-negotiables.

Speaker2:
Non-negotiables for me are definitely being able to exercise, I mean that unless I'm sick, like unless something is going on, I'm exercising and my my husband knows that, you know, there's if I don't do it first thing in the morning, I'm doing it some other time because I'm a lot of like a much nicer person if I exercise. So everybody is good for everybody. If I exercise, I get that energy out and getting out in nature. I think that that's that. That's one of the things last weekend we went to. I went for a walk with the kids out of nature and there was some live music. And I love live music. But getting out that once a week and just filling up on the birds and getting out and like earthing, being able to feel the ground under your feet and be moving your body in that way and having conversations with my children and interacting with my husband, the family doing things together. There's got to be a balance between work time and family time, so I want to be present with my children. So weekends, family time, that's like, that's definitely a non-negotiable weekdays. Sometimes we have to move some things around a little bit, but I want to be able to be fully present with my children and have them experience all of these things. So they start to learn how to take care of themselves and what they need to do to fill up their own cups.

Speaker1:
Yeah, yeah. And thank you for being such a great model to your children because all they can do is model that. And if we're just working, working, working, working, working, all they know is, well, there's both parents that are just working themselves half to death. Mm hmm. You know, you are an incredible leader and I ran read out your your credentials and you have a a very great and long list of credentials. Double master's degree and and all of the other added certifications. As a leader, you're a learner, as a leader, you're a mentor. You're pouring into others. What do you do on a consistent basis that allows you to soak up to continue to learn? What do you do?

Speaker2:
I I think I say this to all my clients. I will always have a coach. I will always have someone that's smarter than me teaching me what they learn. So, you know, I have coaches that I work with, that I've invested with, that I love that are constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone, and they're sharing information that I would have never thought about. Sometimes it's obvious, but when we get stuck in our own way of doing things and we're not open to what other people who know more than us, we're really doing ourselves a disservice. So and I would say also to I surround myself with people who are also looking to improve their lives and improve the world. You know, I moved from New York to Texas when I was at a lot of really great friends, but all of them were were fine with where they are at, and that's wonderful. There's nothing negative that I'm saying about that, but I wanted more. I wanted to push more. And so I started to really surround myself with people who are doing exactly that, and that inspires me to do more. You know, we can't be the only one inspiring and working all the time. It's nice to have other people around us that are doing the same than we, that we feed off that energy and everyone's winning from that.

Speaker1:
I agree. I agree. And I would probably I would argue that the community that you have built over time, there are people in there that are not just mentees. They're also mentors, right? We constantly learn from each other. Yes.

Speaker2:
Yeah. I have some amazing I'm sorry. I have some amazing, some amazing clients. And one of the biggest things that I've heard from clients is that once they're done using up all of that energy to try to make a relationship work now, all of a sudden they're left in the life. I feel so energized. What do I do with all of this newfound energy? And I'm like, You start a business or you volunteer or you do all these other things, and then they're they're often doing all these really epic epic things and they're inspiring me. I'm like, Whoa, look at that. Like once traveling the world, one's on all these different political things, like changing the world positively and all these wonderful things because they have that energy to do it. So, yeah, the teacher, sometimes that switches around a little bit as you're as you're the person that you're working with grows.

Speaker1:
Yeah. Do you ever find yourself just being drained? I mean, clearly, you love the work that you do. I mean, it shows out of every in every word that you say and you know, your body language and your tonality and everything that you, that you how you express yourself. But what do you do when you feel just completely and utterly drained?

Speaker2:
It doesn't happen often, it honestly really doesn't, because I am really good about my own boundaries, which I learned boundaries in my thirties so anyone can learn boundaries whenever they need to. And I can help you with that. But for me, the boundaries are really important. So being able to listen to my body, listen to myself, when is it too much? When do I need to take a break? When do I need some girl time? When do I need it really? And also to, I think, having a partner that is really committed to the business. But to us as a partnership, first and foremost, if I need something and I'm and I can vocalize what I need. He's more than Welcome like Welcome to to help me with that. He's more than happy to help me with that. And so I think that the drain a lot of times, honestly, the drain is, is the the children and the business. And we have young kids. We have a six year old and a three year old. So sometimes it's like one person's on the on a call with a client while the other person is with the kids and then vice versa. And sometimes one of us has more clients than the other. And so but we get to see and appreciate what the other person is dealing with and when we're needing a break from the kids in business, like I got to go outside, I got to do something, and we're both very happy to help the other person. Would that need to get away if we need to?

Speaker1:
And this is a very unique time. I mean, we work from home. You've been building both of your businesses from home. You have your children at home, you own school. Everything is there, right? I don't know if you have pets, if you add if you want to add on, if you want to add that to the list, everything is right there and it can get, like I say, it can turn into those chainsaws that we're juggling, but you're juggling them really, really well.

Speaker2:
And well, and you know what, I actually I was I was I was realizing this the other day, it was probably about December. And I said, you know, it's not it wasn't even the business it was more of, like the pandemic and being home with the kids, all the things that you just talked about. And one of the things that I love more than anything is traveling. And with the pandemic, I have not really been traveling because of concern of someone in the family getting sick. And again, my husband was so sick last year. The last thing I wanted to do was bring COVID into the house. So we really hadn't been doing a lot of traveling. So we actually in December for about three weeks, we went to go visit our families in Virginia and North Carolina and South Carolina and just hung out. You know, we took a little we unplugged from the business mostly, you know, those little things we had to do, but we mostly unplugged from the business and we just had a grand old time with our family and spending quality time and catching up with everybody and getting to just be in the car. I do a lot of good thinking when I'm, you know, driving, so some good thinking and some good ideas and just came home feeling so refreshed. So when January came and we were home, I was like, Oh, I didn't know that I needed that breath of fresh air, of just being out of these walls. I didn't know how much the walls were starting to get a little closed in. And then I had the freedom of being able to go out. And it was it just reignited that fire and gave me all these new ideas that I could work on with clients.

Speaker1:
In that interesting, once you have a change of view, it actually changes your entire view and you get these great ideas, you become creative and it becomes easier again. I mean, specifically now having small children at home during a time of pandemic, that's hard. That's hard on everyone. Mm hmm.

Speaker2:
Oh yeah. I feel badly for them, too. I mean, it's it's not always easy. We do the best we can. We, you know, but it's not. It's it's not an easy time for anyone.

Speaker1:
I agree. I agree. May you be a family with kids or may you be alone? It's just, as you know, it's just as tough. It's just different. Yeah. What would you say has made which book has made a huge impact in your life other than the book that you wrote or the books that you wrote?

Speaker2:
Well, I really love the book Celestin Prophecy. I, I, I read that book while I was going through a pretty major depression, and while I was reading it, they talked about energy and it talked about, you know, how other people try to steal our energy and try to keep us from being the best versions of ourselves. And there was a lot of things that, as I was reading, there's there's three books, and I guess there's now a fourth book, but I was reading going through the whole series and things were happening in the book and happening in my life. At the same time, there was all these weird coincidences. And it made me see the world in such a different way. And so I recommend to clients that book all the time because of how much it talks about energy and empowering. And you know that we were put here to do certain things and to follow the path that's that's calling to us as opposed to going against what's calling to us. Because a lot of us, we know what we should be doing. We don't do it. And then that's where we get into problems. But if we follow our heart, we'll end up in the right place for us. So yeah, that book definitely helped me there.

Speaker1:
Yeah, definitely. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And do you think it's it was a coincidence or was it by design? Isn't it always by design or going through and and how we relate to the world when we're open before? And you came bearing gifts, of course, before we go into that? I want to hear from you. There's there's definitely because this is a success pattern show. I'm always looking for the secret that drives someone. It's the it's the pattern that leads that you do in a consistent basis that leads to the success that you are experiencing. Success may be how you raise your children. Success may be how you view life. Success may be how you're creating your your community. What would you say is the recurring pattern? Of your success?

Speaker2:
Well, Martin Luther King Jr. said that he didn't have a dream, the dream had him. And I think that that that's me. And so I think the biggest thing for me has been this dream is something that I already see living. It's already there. I saw it before I even became successful. I knew that it had to happen. All I had to do was figure out how to get from point A to point B. And as a teacher, I knew nothing about marketing. I knew nothing about business. So when I when the calling you said, you know, the universe provides, well, the universe was tapping me on the head and saying, Stephanie, you've got to you've got to share your message with people. And I was kind of kicking and fighting at first and saying, No, I'm uncomfortable. I don't know if I should do it. But once I realized, like, All right, I'm going to listen and I'm going to do what I need to do. The biggest thing for me was I'm going to do whatever it takes to see my dream turn into a reality. So if that means hiring the best coaches, best business associates, you know, hey, you fall down three times, you get up for like, I mean, you're constantly there will be success. I will figure it out. And I think that kind of mindset as an entrepreneur, we have to remember because look, I mean, let's be real. There are some days or some months where like the money starts to go down and some months where the money is really great. And if we sat there when the money wasn't so great and we felt so terrible about ourselves and lost track of what the big dream is, then everything would be for nothing. But I think when you have such your why so clear and the calling pulling so strongly and you realize inside of you, I will do whatever I have to do to make this work. That's when you figure it out, because if you're not that committed, it's easy to give up because it's hard. It is hard sometimes.

Speaker1:
Yeah, I agree it's hard raising children, it's hard being a teacher, it's hard being a business owner. It's hard, period. Yep. If we want to focus on being it being hard,

Speaker2:
We can choose our hard. Though it could be hard as a business owner, it could be hard as it can be hard. Whatever it is, it's going to be hard, whatever it is, but we get to choose our heart. This is the heart that I choose.

Speaker1:
Yeah, I love that this is the heart that I choose and I choose heart over hard. Yes. And I'm pretty sure, yes, I'm pretty sure that that's your creed as well. So there are people out there that I know that are listening right now that say, I need to get in touch with Stephanie. How do people get in touch with you?

Speaker2:
I think the best thing I mean, you can join our private group being love shouldn't hurt. I know that's going to be in the show notes. You can also send me a text message just one way the best way to get a hold of me. Six three one three one seven four zero two seven Feel free to if you have any questions. We can talk about what working together would look like. Or you can send me an email, Stephanie at being loved shouldn't hurt. And I will check. I check my emails every single day. Text message tends to be the quickest response, so that might be the best. But don't be afraid to reach out. I mean, the worst could happen is we're not a good fit for each other and we move on. The best that can happen is your life is completely turned around for the better, so it's worth taking the chance for sure.

Speaker1:
And it's down here in the banner. So follow Stephanie here. Being loved shouldn't hurt, and I'm pretty sure all of the other information is also found there. And now, because you did come bearing gifts. Tell us about your gift.

Speaker2:
Well, I would love for anyone who is looking for information. They want to just jump on a call and they want to see where they're at, like what they need specifically to do to heal from the cycle of unhealthy relationships. I'm going to offer you a free call to really get clear on where you're at, what's going on and what specific steps you need to take. So the strategy call will take about 30 minutes, and we don't necessarily have to work together. It doesn't even have to be for that. But I'd like to offer you as a special gift to you from me. My time to be able to help you figure out and really get clarity on what you specifically need to do in order to move forward. So I see my my link underneath, you know, just get on my calendar and we can we can go from there.

Speaker1:
So that is I'm going to read that out for everyone that does not perhaps see it, it's it's the calendar Lidcombe being loved shouldn't hurt essentials dash toolkit. I'm going to say that again, Lecomte being loved shouldn't hurt slash essentials dash tool kit and you'll find them in the show notes as well. Man, this is such an incredible conversation, and I know that people are ready and have been ready to hear your message and the work that you do is so fundamental and so, like you said, essential. And thank you for doing that work, Stephanie. And I'm just so grateful that our paths have yet crossed again, and I'm pretty sure they're going to cross many, many times again, for sure.

Speaker2:
For sure. I love it. I mean, and realistically, now is the best time to work on ourselves. I mean this. This is the time to do it. And relationships are everywhere. It doesn't just have to be romantic relationships. Relationships are in every single thing that we do. So if we can work on this part, it opens up all the other parts of our lives to the freedom and the love and the excitement and joy that we were put here to experience.

Speaker1:
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Thank you for being here. Guys, get with Stephanie MacPhail and thank you for being here today. Tune in again next Tuesday. Same time. Same place your fajita. Hopefully. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you for tuning in to the success pattern show at WW Dot the success pattern showcase. My name is

Brigitta, who finished.

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Stephanie McPhail

Stephanie McPhail is an author of two books, Being Loved Shouldn’t Hurt book and workbook which were number one new release, certified coach, has a Double Masters Degree in Health and Education, a Bachelors in Psychology, Certified Crisis Counselor, Certified Coach, Author, Reiki Practitioner, who specializes in helping Brilliant Women Date Up, giving them tools to thrive after codependency and narcissistic abuse so that if they do decide to date again, choose healthy partners that inspire them, not drain them!

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