Special Guest Expert - Dr. Marissa Pei: Video automatically transcribed by Sonix

Special Guest Expert - Dr. Marissa Pei: this eJwdjlFPgzAUhf8KuQ8-IVhgk5EsxugkxpgYjQ_uhTTtBSuFkvZ2FZf9d9le7znfd-4RhBkJR2ponhAquIcY1OiIjwIbJaHK85uSFQWLQXhHZvAO7SXI1mxdrLIYuBDGL4ZLu9ys2G0MrUItm5EPZ2erNC7aPnDbOaiO4K1ezt9Ek6vSNISQdMZ0GvmkXCLMkEqrDpgesvSMupTlD233o__mr762vmZP-5dyL0I_b-bd-3OYyzuuaTugVPzKGW8FbqUJozZcfi5TMZAiff7kY0KhuI5qj46i3e-ElqLr6NEm0Su3yjkevaFagNbYgdNCDFMBp9M_qsZjRw:1oBg9S:VY6QT4npWVILUhxsnGbbPJmVwSc video file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Here's the big question. How is it that most entrepreneurs hustle and are always busy and struggle to take just one step forward, only to fall two steps back their dedicated, determined and driven, but only a few finally break through and win. This show uncovers those quantum leap patterns of highly successful people so you can simply model what they do and apply to your future success. That's the question. And the answers are right here. My name is Brigitta Hoeferle, and this is the Success Patterns Show. And it is that time again. Welcome, everyone, to the Success Pattern Show. My name is Brigitta Hoeferle. I am super honored and excited that you are here with us today. Thank you for allowing us to stream to you live and in person to you today. Let's see. My streaming art is not working the way I want it to work, and that is fine. We'll just go and do whatever it takes. So here is the success pattern show. We put the learn. We put the do in learn. Do teach. As you are learning more information. And. Please. You always learn something, you're always going to pick something up. With my guest expert today, I know you're going to pick up a lot of great nuggets. Now success pattern show. What is it? Let's decipher it. Success, I think, is something that each and every one defines in a different way. And for the guest experts that I have had so far on all of the shows that I have done in Streamed, none of the success patterns were I'm going to go make money. It was always something much deeper, and the result often is money. So success is an interesting thing because it shapes its meaning within each individual success seeker. It's not limited to business or personal life. It's a very unique concept and in the show we give you the scaffolding so you can build your own empire and we truly want you to do that. With this show, we're decoding the patterns that led to success of our guest experts, so you can then encode it to your own success today. So that's the success part.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
The pattern part is it's an example for others to follow. That is the that is the definition of pattern, an example for others to follow. One of the laws of NLP states model is a success must and can be modeled. Now I'm going to say be very mindful of whose success your modeling and I personally vet all of the great guest experts that we have on the show. And boy, oh, boy, am I excited about this special guest expert today. Here are grand masters at work, which means that you're at the right place at the right time. And we're going to jump right in because success is yours. Stay tuned. At the very end of the show, we have a special gift for you from our guest expert. Today is a great show. I have a very special woman on the show that I've met many years ago. I wanted to say on a notion, but we met before but kind of sounds cool. We were on an ocean together. We were on the Mediterranean on a mediterranean cruise together. She's an organizational psychologist. She's an inspirational speaker. I can truly say that as I've heard her speak many times, she's a network TV commentator on topics of grief, hope and happiness. She's the number one best selling author of Eight Ways to Happiness From Wherever You Are. And she's the celebrity host of the number one NBC News Radio and iHeart Radio Morning Show. Take my advice. I'm not using it. Get balanced with Dr. Marissa. And that is my guest expert for today. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not in the car, stand on your feet and help me welcome Ms.. Dr.. Mrs.. Dr.. Marissa. Hey, so glad to have you, Marissa. Thank you for being on the show today.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Absolutely happy to be here. Bridgette I definitely did meet you on the ocean of abundance, both figuratively and literally. And it's not Mrs.. And it's not Ms.. It's just Dr. Marissa.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
It's Dr. Marissa. You guys know? Doctor.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I'm happily divorced, so we don't want to go back to that.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Mrs. No, I don't want to, I don't want to manifest anything like that. Yes, you're, you do many great things and you're an incredible speaker and author. You are very witty with your words and you're also very knowledgeable. Now, you wrote a book, Eight Ways to Happiness from Wherever You Are. What would you say, Marissa? And I'm really interested in that. What would you say is the number one reason why people are not happy?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
They believe that happiness comes from having something or someone outside of themselves.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
When when do you when do you think they decided that? When do you think they.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Grow up with that? We grow up with that. We we grow up with Jerry Maguire that says you complete me as early as your first non parent role model Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming that your your lot in life is to meet someone who will make you happy and so it's a natural you grow up with parents who say if you do this, I'll be happy. And if you don't do this, I'm not going to be happy. You you control my happiness. And so we learn that both directly and indirectly. And we also seven out of ten of us who grow up with some kind of childhood trauma, it's a very large number. My honorable moniker is Asian Oprah. Oprah says it's as high as eight out of ten who believe that they don't have a birth rate to happiness because it has nothing to do with them, because they've been told you're fat, you're ugly, you're clumsy, you're not worthy, you're not good enough. You have done everything wrong. You're not all that. And that message just compounds on the guy to look for love and all the wrong places going to Who loves me, who likes me and now with social media is literally who likes me? How many people like me? How are comments? Are they doing? So it's it's not surprising that we are unhappy. It's not surprising that even hashtag BC 19, the time before COVID one out of four of us were on anti-anxiety anti depression medication. So there's a problem in Houston now that we have a pandemic, there's even a stronger problem because people are not happy and they continue to look for love outside of themselves. They look for self approval outside. They look we don't have the ability to say, hold on, I'm the boss of my own happiness. Everyone has a birthright to happiness. And that's why I wrote the book. I didn't write the book as a psychologist to tell you how to be happy. I wrote the book is one of the seven out of ten of us who do not think we have a right to happiness. And that is BS. It's a belief system that keeps us unhappy, unfulfilled, unsuccessful, and in its time is time for everyone to really get the most out of life as possible, to really understand that you're loving, lovable and love. To really get that happiness is an inside out job.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
There was so much greatness just in those first few moments with you. So there are many things I want to decipher, some of the things that you said. First of all, love is not conditional. That's what that's one of the first things that I heard you say. Or in a perfect world, love is not conditional.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Let me can I just speak to that while I remember because I know we're we're going to run out of time here. Condition. I say unconditional love. Is You can feel good. You can feel loving. You can be happy unconditionally. Means no matter what the condition is outside of myself, I can choose to be happy, which is a little different than when people throw around unconditional love. They think that till death do our part, do till death do us part, which I think is so depressing right there. You've got to die. But anyway, so unconditional love, unconditional happiness has to do with no matter what's going on outside of you, you can still choose to be happy. And I think that's such an important distinction because we cannot be unconditional, loving. We're human beings. Human beings cannot love unconditionally. We want to we try to be the only beings that can love unconditionally. In my book is dogs. Dogs have unconditional love wired in, so I don't try to be unconditional loving. Not that way. I try, though, to have an unconditional regard for the sanctity of my life and how I can bring and choose happiness for my self. So it's a very different direction. Do you hear that you went from, you know, people throw that all around all the time, unconditional love. I want to be an unconditional love. Not going to happen. You will never be able to do that. However, you can have unconditional despite the conditions around you, even if your lover leaves you, even if a pandemic comes and takes your livelihood, even if you lose your dog, even if you get sick, terminally ill, you can still choose to be happy because your happiness does not depend on what's going on outside of me.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So there's a there's something that you also said and I want to pick up on that. And that is you make a decision. It is a choice that you are happy. How do you choose if you're like down in the dumpster, going through the pandemic, have already some depression going into the pandemic, how do you choose to be happy?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
You exercise the most powerful tool you have in life, which is the word that you said, choice or focus. So most of us are lazy folksingers. That's from Abraham Hicks. We wake up in the morning and what do we do? We pick this up and we become entranced in what is in here. And we touch and flick and touch and flick. And most of it is bad news. In the old days before smartphones, we had dumb TVs. We would wake up, turn the TV on. Same thing. News, news, news. Negative news, negative news, negative news. Now that trains us if we're lazy to let media become your weapon of mass distraction. I wish I came up with that. That's from my big brother, my background. But if you are not strong enough, if we don't use the most powerful tool we have as human beings in life, which is choice and let people, places and things distract us, we will continue down that labyrinth of shit hockey that happens when you don't choose what you're thinking, but you allow others to hijack your attention and to think for you so that you're constantly just reacting. Somebody says this, you react, somebody says that you react, and there's no question why it's called knee jerk reaction. You're being a jerk or someone's being a jerk and pulls you in to react to something that may not even matter to you. Case in point, the trial, I mean, really, you're going to lose 4 hours of your time watching a bad relationship play on the screen. I mean, comes a little a little bit of it as humor on a tik tok and all that. Thank you, Brian Kelly, for acknowledging my weapon of mass destruction, even though it's Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, he's actually the one who introduced me to Oprah as the Asian Oprah. So just in case you thought I made that up, she actually looked at me, looked down, look back up, smiled and said, Nice pants. And it took everything for me not to say, Do you want to?

Brigitta Hoeferle:
I wanted to. I wanted to ask you that story. Later, but you already brought it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
So it seemed like a good moment because I had to give Michaela the credit for that distraction. So so I hope I answered that question. Why do we do that? Because we're lazy. Why do we do that? Because we've been we have a bad habit of allowing other people to think for ourselves. We have we have a bad habit of being negative now just to cut ourselves some break. As human beings, we learn early on caveman days when something's different. It's not good, right? You're always paying attention to what's different. And usually difference is a threat. It's a wooly mammoth coming charging is going to eat you. So we want to be able to see differences as an alert, right? However, there's no wooly mammoths around, but we've developed as a nation, as a people, as a society to see negative things. So that's another influence that we've allowed ourselves to be distracted by negative thinking our news, if it bleeds, it leads. I was told when I started my show nine years ago that it would never last because I am adamant about no gossip, no scandal, no K words, no Kanye talk at all. And I want to focus on the solution, not the problem. I'm not sitting here shocking you with what's going on. You get enough of that on social media and the news. I want to focus on what's good about life, what's good about people, what's good about the world. And they said it wouldn't last. And nine years later, thank you very much. It is still here. And I know that if you don't work out your focus in your choice, you have no choice but to be a negative thinker, to be a worrywart. Ta ta. There's a slippery slide. The top of it is stinking thinking after stinking so sick and thinking is, Oh, this isn't working, you know, it's too hot outside or it's too cold outside or oh, the war in Russia, Ukraine, this is this is so that's negative thinking. If you don't stop and say, hold on, is this the best feeling thought I could have? Does this thought actually make me feel good about life? If you don't stop yourself there and you can and when you do, to answer your question, I have a couple of things that make me get back out into the positive. One is I CBW it could be worse, right? I could not have eyes to see what's going on outside or I anti-body. This is the alphabet soup of happiness. It's not that big of a deal. So it's not.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
That big of a deal which makes you which makes it puts your problem or whatever you're experiencing into a much more into a bigger realm and makes it smaller and it diminishes it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It's not that big of a deal, really. Most of the things that we complain about, most of the things that we worry about, it's not that big of a deal. And when I work with my coaching clients, when they are whining more than you can whine, just don't get stuck in it, right? But when they're whining longer than 30 minutes, I have them go online and look at my speaking partner, Jessica Cox, who was born without arms, or Nick, the guy with no arms and no legs. So there's so many ways we're in the top 8% of people who have food in the fridge, clothes on our body, a little money in our wallet, a roof over our head. We're in the top 8% of the planet and we are not happy. Come on. So if you don't get out of stinking thinking, you go to the next level, which is worst case scenario. And so many people are there now, you know, bad ruling. We're going back to the stone ages of COVID. Everybody's going to die. We're being this is Armageddon, whatever it is, you go all the way down to worst case scenario and you live there. And when you live there, the worst part of that is you're not only affecting your mental and emotional state and you're not super fun to be around. Relationships are difficult for people like this. The worst part is you affect your own body. Your physical ability to fight disease with your immune system will always be negatively impacted by worst case scenario. Lastly, if you don't pull yourself out of this labyrinth of shit is what I call it, this is my model sinking thinking. Worst case scenario, then you go to the F and later and the F later is the bottom, which you take all of the bad things that are happening and you personalize them and you say, Oh, if I had blankety, if I had saved more money, I wouldn't be in this problem right now with the pandemic. If I had known, if I had done this, I wouldn't be here. If I had just done this, I wouldn't be here if I had been. And it's all personalized, which is such B.S.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It's a belief system that will keep you at the bottom and not able to get up and see solution, not be able to be creatively inspired because you choose to go down the labyrinth of shit taking yourself at any level you can practice to get up. If you're at worst case scenario and practicing paranoia, you can say, Does paranoia serve me? Do I feel better being paranoid about what might happen or would it feel better to say, You know what, there are a lot of states that are opening and saying, if your state is closed, come to us. There is a possibility over here there's ways to vote people out. There's ways to not shop at organizations that support what you don't believe. There's so many things we can do instead of, Oh, poor me. And then that final one is if you're doing an and if you are one of the many, many people on the planet who somehow pick up this message that you're not good enough, that it'll help for somebody else, but I am doomed. It's never going to work for me, you know, I was told I would never succeed. I was told that. And I believe it looks. What happened here? Look what happened here. Look what happened here. And if you're convinced that you're the exception and you are doomed, then, darlin, that's pride in reverse. What makes you think you're so special to be so horrible? So you're still practicing something that makes you terminally unique in a way that doesn't serve you? Do you really want to be the exception to a friendly universe? Do you really want to be an exception to the blessing of life? Do you really want to be the one person that really can live on that desert island? If you want to be, go ahead. How's it working for you? You feel good at least 88% of the time. That's our birth rate, 88% of the time. I can choose happiness no matter where I am, no matter what happens. That book you just talked about, it came out of a loss of a $200,000 consulting project. I had a 200,000. I was happy about it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Client that I've been working with for a while. I love doing the work. You know, 200 grand is a nice amount. I got a call from the HR director. Your sponsoring executive just got canned. The project is null and void. And I went, which I allow myself to be human and I do 16 seconds because I believe in the law of attraction. What you do beyond 16 seconds brings more of the same. So I count down 16, ten or 15, 14, 13. Right. I bite my pillow all the way to one and then I take a breath. I have a three breath technology that you're welcome to learn about, where you engage your body, mind and spirit. And then I say this I can't wait to see what good comes out of this. And the voice in my head said, Right. And I said, I don't have time to write. And the voice said, You do now. My ups man is what my name for God is, is universal power source. He delivers every morning when I pray and meditate. So he told me, You do now? And I said, Ha ha, funny. So I sat and I wrote for one week first chapter out of loneliness and hope, last chapter out of control and it happens just two chapters finished it writing on a Sunday night Monday morning out of the blue, get an email from motivational press that said We follow motivational speakers on LinkedIn. Are you writing anything? Are you fucking kidding me? So I sent him the two chapters the following day. I got a contract. I did not end up going with them because I wanted to go with an East Coast publisher, Morgan James. And the best part is part proceeds go to Habitat for Humanity. So that's why I chose them out of the three possibilities. And that's how my life works, because I don't there's nothing bad that happens to me. Everything that happens to me is from my divine at best, good. It may not feel good at the time, but I know I choose to believe that everything even the abuses of the child, even the very expensive divorce that I paid for, even even even all of those things.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
In time, I will see how that was for my divine and best good. And I've yet to be disappointed and I'm ageless. I'm not going to say how many years, but.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Of course you are. As am I. I think we both are, yes. Have you, before you studied your studies, organizational psychology, have you had what you have today? Like, have you ever had that mindset? Because you what you're truly saying, if we if we totally unravel everything that you say is if we can be conditioned negatively through all the social media and all of the media on TV, I mean, it's called TV program programing for a reason because it's programing.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Us Yes.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
What you're saying is we can program us to happiness as well.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Correct.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
What I said earlier, if there's a decode, there's an ENCODE, if there's an ENCODE, there's a decode where you always that way.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
No, I learned very well how not to do it. I marinated in my victimhood of having a horrible childhood in which I was told I was fat, ugly and clumsy and hurt mentally, physically, emotionally. And then I, like many of us who have had that kind of trauma, choose relationships, choose people who emulate the feeling that you had because it's comfortable. So I picked a man who would introduce me as obese behind my back, and I was half the size I am now to to people around. So I. Unknowingly, repeated, unconsciously and consciously all of the patterns that I had learned as a child. And we do that because we don't know any better. And so there's really if you're if you're someone and this is very serious. So if you are saying, I get that I was hurt, too, I was molested, I was beaten, I was abandoned. I was all of those things that happened to 7 to 8 of us out of ten, which is the majority. And isn't it interesting if it's the majority of us that have had that kind of trauma, why the fuck do we think there's something wrong with us? We're the majority, so there's got to be a role for pain in life. So if you're one of those people and I'm going to look at you right now and lovingly say to you, you were hurt and nothing that you did deserved to be treated like that. You did nothing wrong. There was nothing that you could have done to change that. You were not being punished by an unfriendly universe. It just happened. There's nothing to be sorry for. You have no part in owning up your side of the street when you were a kid. That was horrific. That happened to you. And I'm sorry that it happened to you. You have no responsibility. However, you do have a responsibility to choose whether or not you want to drag all that from their. To here and projected into the future. That, my friends, is your responsibility. And you have a choice. You have a choice. And this is that's why a lot of the bad things happen to me, so that I can sit here and tell you I get it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I marinate it in that I would I was a happy drunk and then I was a very sad drunk and I would just cry and one more time, how could a mom do that? How could she do that to me? Why did that happen to me? And I lived years that way. And the one moment of clarity was one more time. The man that I chose to marry who didn't like to work. And I went out and worked and I came home and I went to him into the room and he didn't even look up. I'd been gone a week, didn't even look up. And I was so pissed. And I ran up the stairs and stomped and went under the covers and I said, Why doesn't he pay attention to me? Why doesn't he love me? Why does doesn't he compliment me? Why doesn't he listen to me? Why doesn't he approve of me? And all of a sudden the voice said. Do you approve of yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you think you are good enough to be loved? And the clouds open the thunder. And I was like, Oh, my God, literally. Oh, my God. This whole time I've been giving the keys to my kingdom of happiness, to other people, places and things. And I choose not to do that anymore. And I'm happy 88% of the time. 88% of the time. But you've got to do the work. Do you?

Brigitta Hoeferle:
That's right.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Stop blaming other people for where you are now. You have to start understanding the voice in your head. I have an exercise in chapter one where we name the critic, we name the brat, the brats, the cousin of the critic. The critic says, Don't do this. And the brat says, You're not the boss of me. I can take that knowing that I don't have to make that call. I can flip that guy off. So you've got a critic, you've got a brat, you've got a sad one that suffers. And so all of.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
The parts within us and then you show well, you show your book again, please, in the camera, guys. Get that book. Get the book.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It has exercises. I promise you, if you do the exercises, you will never hate yourself the same way again.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
I love it. We are at the top of the hour. We could go on for days. That is that's easy for us. People can get a free happiness coaching session with you $3.50 plus value. How do people get in touch with you?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Go to Dr. Marissa Dot life and say let's put success patterns in the subject line and then I'll know that you are my hashtag Asian Oprah giveaway winner. You get a you get a coaching session, you get I know not a car yet, but I have two tickets away to events that were worth 20,000 is more than a car so there but if you want that session it is on the air you do not have to be on camera. You can do it privately. Your voice will be heard, but you can use a different name. But it's a way I do this because people are hurting. People want some hope and there's no better way to have hope than to know that someone's going through the same thing. So that's why I like to do the coaching on the air, answer questions of the day, things like that, every Tuesday, Thursday. And then I have great guests and I just had the Temptations daughter, the founder of the Temptations Daughter on I'm Having the Granddaughters, one from the Auschwitz survivor and another one who's the granddaughter of the lawyer of Hitler, who was sentenced to death in Nuremberg. So I have a plethora of guests. Happy days. Marianne from Gilligan's Island was on five times. God rest her soul. She's in heaven with my dad now so you can get all of those shows free. Subscribe on my YouTube channel and get my interviews with Halle Berry as well. I mean, just there's a lot there that you can just enjoy that way you're hooked in. You can listen to the shows, be part of the shows I stream like you do. So you can do those little comments and I'll put you on the camera.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Dr. Marissa Dot Life is how people can follow you on Instagram. Your doc balance. Doc Balance. Dr. Marissa Dot life very simple or simply Google.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Dr. Marissa If you Google Asian Oprah I am.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
There you go everywhere. She is the one and only Dr. Marissa Pace. She is the one and only Asian Oprah. And I am so grateful that you took the time to be here with us today. Marissa, thank you for taking the time and thank you for sharing your nuggets. Guys, we're going to see each other again next week, same time, same place for the Success Pattern Show on Tuesday here at 1:00 Pacific, 4:00 Eastern time. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in to the Success Pattern Show at www.TheSuccessPatternsShow.com My name is Brigitta Hoeferle.

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